The Silent Pain of Being a Man Today

Gildas Garrec—CBT Psychotherapist—November 6, 2025

10 min read

This article is available in French only.

Introduction: A Silent Unease

There is a suffering that we rarely talk about. Not because it doesn't exist, but because those who experience it learned, from childhood, not to speak about it.

This suffering is that of millions of men who no longer know where they stand. Who no longer know what is expected of them. Who sometimes no longer know what they expect of themselves.

In 2026, being a man has become a balancing act. Traditional reference points have collapsed without being replaced by clear new models. The result? A diffuse sense of confusion, guilt, and sometimes anger that pushes some toward dangerous extremes, and others toward a complete erasure of their identity.

🧠

Des questions sur ce que vous venez de lire ?

Notre assistant IA est spécialisé en psychothérapie TCC, supervisé par un psychopraticien certifié. 50 échanges disponibles maintenant.

Démarrer la conversation — 1,90 €

Disponible 24h/24 · Confidentiel

This article is neither a masculinist manifesto nor an act of contrition. It is an honest attempt to understand what men are experiencing today, and to propose concrete therapeutic pathways to break free from the impasse.

Contradictory Injunctions: The Male Double Bind

"Be Strong, But Show Vulnerability"

This is perhaps the most destabilizing injunction of our era. For generations, men were conditioned to contain their emotions.

"Men don't cry." "Grit your teeth." "Be a rock for your family." These messages, received from early childhood, shaped a model of masculinity founded on stoicism and self-sufficiency.

Then, in the span of a single generation, the discourse radically changed. Men are now expected to be emotionally available, to express their feelings, to demonstrate vulnerability.

This is real progress and necessary progress. But for a man in his 30s or 40s who spent the first two decades of his life learning exactly the opposite, the shift is brutal.

The problem isn't that they're being asked to open up. The problem is that they're being asked to do so without instructions, without a transition period, and sometimes with an implicit judgment: "You should already know how to do this."

"Be Dominant, But Attentive"

In the professional world as in personal relationships, men receive another paradoxical message. You must be ambitious, assertive, take initiative, be a leader. But simultaneously, you must know how to step back, listen, not take up too much space, let others speak.

Individually, these qualities are not contradictory. But socially, the boundary between "assertive" and "toxic," between "attentive" and "weak," remains blurry and shifting depending on context.

A man who asserts himself too much is labeled domineering. A man who steps back too much is perceived as lacking confidence. The acceptable zone is narrow, and it varies depending on who you're talking to.

"Be the Breadwinner, But Equal"

Despite major advances in equality, the pressure of the breadwinner—the one who supports the household—remains deeply rooted. Studies show that even in couples where both partners work, a man feels disproportionate pressure when he earns less than his partner, or when he goes through a period of unemployment.

An IFOP survey from 2024 revealed that 62% of French men believe that society expects them to be the primary financial support of the household, even though 78% of them declare support for wage equality. The gap between stated values and felt pressure creates fertile ground for guilt and exhaustion.

The "Humanization of the Masculine": A Positive but Destabilizing Process

Christine Castelain-Meunier, a sociologist and researcher at the CNRS and author of numerous works on the transformations of masculinity, uses the expression "humanization of the masculine" to describe what contemporary men are experiencing.

According to her work, men are not "losing" their masculinity. They are making it more complex, enriching it, making it more human.

This is good news. A man who can be both strong and tender, ambitious and empathetic, protective and vulnerable is a more complete man, more fulfilled, and a better partner.

But this transition is not without pain. Castelain-Meunier emphasizes that this process is experienced by many men as a loss of reference points, an identity drift that can generate anxiety, even a genuine existential crisis.

The problem is not the direction—the humanization of the masculine is progress. The problem is that this transformation occurs largely without support, without space for dialogue, and often in a climate of suspicion where a man questioning his place is quickly suspected of patriarchal nostalgia.

The Trap of Extremes

Toxic Masculinism: The Temptation of Anger

Faced with this confusion, some men turn to movements that offer them simple answers to complex questions. The manosphere—this collection of online communities ranging from seduction coaches to "red pill" ideologues—thrives precisely because it exploits a real malaise.

Also read: Take our leadership test – free, anonymous, immediate results.

These movements tell men: "Your suffering is real. Feminists are responsible. Become virile men again, and everything will get better." It's seductive because it's simple.

But it's a dead end. These ideologies construct their model of masculinity in opposition to women, in a logic of power struggle that can only lead to relational isolation and bitterness.

In my practice, some patients arrive with vocabulary borrowed from these communities: "sexual market value," "hypergamy," "beta provider."

Behind these dehumanizing terms, there is almost always a real wound: romantic rejection, a sense of invisibility, a childhood where one was neither seen nor valued. These wounds deserve to be heard and treated. Not instrumentalized by ideologues selling anger.

Total Erasure: The Temptation to Disappear

At the other extreme, some men choose to erase themselves completely. Out of fear of doing wrong, of hurting, of being perceived as toxic, they renounce any assertion of self. They become hyper-accommodating, avoid conflict at all costs, constantly apologize for existing.

This is not kindness. This is survival. And it's just as destructive as masculinism, because it leads to a slow erosion of self-esteem, to unbalanced relationships, and to an underground resentment that always eventually surfaces.

The "New Masculinity": Neither Dominant Nor Submissive

There is a third way. It is neither a return to an outdated patriarchal model, nor the abandonment of all masculine identity. This is what I call, in practice, chosen masculinity: a masculinity constructed not on external injunctions, but on a personal exploration of one's values, strengths, and vulnerabilities.

A man who chooses his masculinity does not ask himself "is this manly?" before acting. He asks himself "is this in line with who I want to be?" That's a radical shift in perspective.

Instead of conforming to an imposed model—whether traditional or progressive—he builds his own model based on what makes sense to him.

Concretely, this can look like:

A man who cries during a movie without feeling diminished
A man who sets firm boundaries without feeling guilty
A man who asks for help without seeing it as a failure
A man who takes care of those close to him without losing himself
A man who embraces his desires without imposing them on others

Men in Therapy: Why It's Still a Taboo

In France, men represent only 35% of psychotherapy consultations (Mental Health Observatory data, 2024). Yet they are overrepresented in suicide statistics (75% of suicides in France are male), addiction, and social isolation.

This paradox is largely explained by the internalization of the "strong and autonomous" model. Seeing a psychologist means admitting you're not managing on your own. And for many men, this admission is experienced as an unbearable confession of weakness.

Yet engaging in therapy is anything but a sign of weakness. It's an act of lucidity and courage. Recognizing your suffering, naming it, and choosing to work through it with professional support requires more strength than gritting your teeth in silence for years.

In cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), work with men often goes through several stages:

Normalize suffering: No, it's not "normal" to feel empty, anxious, or angry all the time. And no, the fact that you feel this way doesn't make you a weak man.

Identify rigid beliefs: "A man must manage everything alone," "showing emotions is manipulation," "if I don't succeed, I'm worthless." These automatic thoughts are not truths. They are cultural programming that can be questioned.

Develop cognitive flexibility: Learn to see situations from multiple angles, tolerate ambiguity, move away from binary thinking (strong/weak, winner/loser).

Build a personal model: Define your own values—not those of your father, society, or social media—and learn to live in coherence with them.

The CBT Approach: Identifying Your Own Values

An exercise I regularly propose in practice illustrates this approach well. It's called "Sorting Through Imposed Values."

Step 1—List the "must haves": The patient writes down all the beliefs he has about what a man "must" be.

Examples: "I must be strong," "I must earn money," "I must know how to seduce," "I must protect my family," "I must not show weakness."

Step 2—Source each belief: For each one, identify where it comes from. My father? My mother? School? Movies? Social media? An ex-partner? Step 3—Test the belief: Does this belief serve me? Does it match who I am? Or am I carrying it like an ill-fitting garment that belonged to someone else? Step 4—Choose: Keep what makes sense, modify what is rigid, abandon what causes suffering. Not because society demands it, but because the individual consciously decides to.

This process is liberating. It's not about rejecting masculinity, but about choosing it. Moving from a suffered masculinity to a constructed one.

Key Takeaway The crisis of masculinity is not a myth, but it's not what extremists make of it either. It's a moment of transition where old models are collapsing without new ones yet being stabilized. This period is uncomfortable, but it's also a unique opportunity to build a more free, more authentic, and more fulfilling masculine identity. This requires personal work—ideally accompanied by a professional—and the courage to ask the simplest and most difficult question of all: "Who do I want to be?"

Also read: Take our personal values test – free, anonymous, immediate results.

Do You Recognize Yourself in These Struggles?

This identity drift is not inevitable. In cognitive-behavioral therapy, it is possible to untangle contradictory injunctions, identify your core values, and build a masculinity that feels like yours—neither modeled on an obsolete framework, nor subject to society's changing expectations.

Book an appointment for a first confidential conversation.

The Silence Program (Self-Confidence) is also designed for men who wish to rebuild solid self-esteem, away from judgment and outside opinions.

Related articles:

– Dating Apps: The Complete Guide to Your Mental Health

– Absent Father: The Invisible Consequences in Adulthood