Domestic Violence: Understanding the Cycle, Daring to Leave, Rebuilding

If you are in immediate danger, call emergency services (911 in the US, 999 in the UK). The National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) is available 24/7, anonymous and free.

Nathalie* came to me for the first time on a Monday morning in November. She wore a turtleneck despite the mild autumn weather. She came "for sleep problems," she told me. It took three sessions before she showed me the bruises on her arms and spoke the words I had sensed: "My husband hits me." What followed, over the months of our work together, illustrates the winding but real journey of a woman who understands domestic violence and the cycle that traps her, finds the courage to leave, and undertakes the long reconstruction of her self-esteem.

Domestic violence is a major public health issue. In France alone, 213,000 women are victims of physical or sexual violence from their partner or ex-partner each year. In 2024, 134 women were killed by their partner or ex-partner. Behind these numbers are human beings caught in a system whose psychological mechanisms CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) helps us understand — not to excuse, but to enable victims to break free.

Understanding Domestic Violence: Beyond the Blows

The Different Forms of Violence

Domestic violence isn't limited to physical blows. It unfolds across a spectrum that professionals group into several categories:

Physical violence: slaps, punches, shoving, strangulation, burns, confinement. This is the most visible form, the one that leaves marks — but it's often just the tip of the iceberg. Psychological violence: insults, humiliation, systematic belittling, threats, emotional blackmail, controlling appearance, social isolation. This form is the most frequent and the most destructive long-term. It erodes self-esteem drop by drop, so insidiously that the victim ends up believing the problem comes from her. Verbal violence: screaming, shouting, vocal intimidation, prolonged punitive silences. Tone matters as much as words — a coldly whispered "you're worthless" can be more devastating than a shout. Economic violence: controlling finances, forbidding work, confiscating the bank card, creating total financial dependence. This form makes leaving materially difficult. Sexual violence: forced intercourse, imposed practices, sexual humiliation. Marital rape is a crime, recognized as such by law. Cyberviolence: phone surveillance, GPS tracking, social media harassment, intimate image distribution (revenge porn), password control.

In my practice, I observe that victims almost systematically minimize non-physical forms of violence. "He never hit me" is a phrase I hear often, followed by a description of daily psychological terror. Psychological violence is violence. Period.

Lenore Walker's Cycle of Violence

In 1979, American psychologist Lenore Walker identified a recurring pattern in violent relationships, known as the "cycle of violence." This model, validated by decades of clinical research, describes four phases that repeat:

Phase 1: Tension building. The atmosphere gradually charges. The abuser becomes irritable, critical, impatient. The victim walks on eggshells, trying to prevent the explosion by anticipating the other's needs, avoiding any topic of conflict, making herself as small as possible. She develops constant hypervigilance — reading micro-expressions, tone of voice, the way the door closes.

Nathalie described this phase with chilling precision: "I knew from the sound of his keys in the lock whether the evening was going to go badly. The sound of his footsteps in the hallway told me everything."

Phase 2: The explosion (the assault). Tension reaches its peak and discharges through violence — physical, verbal, sexual, or a combination of all three. This phase is often the shortest but the most intense. The victim is in survival mode: freezing, submission, dissociation.

In CBT, we identify this moment as a fight-flight-freeze situation where the autonomic nervous system takes over. Victims who blame themselves for "not reacting" or "not defending themselves" don't understand that their brain chose the most adaptive survival strategy for the perceived danger.

Phase 3: Justification (or minimization). The abuser minimizes the facts, shifts responsibility ("You provoked me," "If you hadn't done that..."), rationalizes ("I'd been drinking," "Work stress"). The victim, caught in her own psychological survival mechanisms, may internalize these justifications and begin to doubt her own perception. Phase 4: The "honeymoon" (reconciliation). The abuser appears repentant, attentive, loving. He cries, promises it will never happen again, gives gifts, becomes the partner the victim wishes he were all the time. This phase makes leaving so difficult: it reactivates hope and revives attachment.

From a CBT perspective, the honeymoon acts as intermittent reinforcement — the same mechanism that makes slot machines addictive. The unpredictable alternation between punishment and reward creates an emotional bond of a strength that reason alone cannot break.

Escalation: A Cycle That Accelerates and Worsens

What Walker also observed is that the cycle accelerates over time. Honeymoon phases shorten, explosions become more frequent and severe, background tension becomes permanent. What started as yelling may evolve into slaps, then punches, then strangulation. Strangulation is, in fact, one of the most reliable predictors of escalation to homicide.

This is why early intervention is essential. The more the cycle repeats, the stronger the psychological hold becomes and the harder leaving gets — but it's never impossible.

Why Leaving Is So Difficult: The Psychological Mechanisms

Control and Conditioning

The term "psychological hold" describes a process of progressive control over the victim's psyche. In CBT, we analyze this process as systematic behavioral conditioning:

• Progressive isolation: the abuser cuts the victim off from family, friends, colleagues. Every social connection threatens his control. The victim ends up in a bubble where the only version of reality is the abuser's.

• Punishment-reward alternation: this intermittent reinforcement creates a traumatic bond (sometimes called "domestic Stockholm syndrome"). The victim's brain learns to associate the abuser with the only available source of comfort — since he's also the one causing the distress.

• Destruction of self-esteem: repeated belittling modifies the victim's core beliefs. "I'm worthless," "Nobody else would want me," "It's my fault" become certainties. In CBT, we call these dysfunctional cognitive schemas that crystallize through repetition.

• Normalization: by living in violence, the victim loses her reference points for what is normal and acceptable. "All couples fight." "At least he doesn't drink." "There's worse out there."

The Beliefs That Trap

In my work with domestic violence victims, I systematically identify belief-obstacles that hinder leaving:

• "He'll change." (Hope fueled by honeymoon phases)
• "It's my fault, if I did things right, he wouldn't get angry." (Self-blame, personalization cognitive distortion)
• "The children need their father." (Family belief ignoring the damage of exposure to violence)
• "I won't manage on my own." (Learned helplessness, reinforced by isolation and financial dependence)
• "Nobody will believe me." (Legitimate fear, especially when violence is psychological and leaves no visible marks)
• "If I leave, he'll kill me." (Sometimes founded fear — the moment of departure is statistically the most dangerous)

Each of these beliefs can be addressed in CBT, not by dismissing them ("of course you can manage!"), but by examining them with the respect they deserve. These beliefs are survival strategies. They protected the victim by allowing her to hold on in an unlivable environment. The therapeutic work consists of acknowledging them, then evaluating whether they still serve the person or keep her captive.

Seligman's Learned Helplessness

Martin Seligman described learned helplessness: when a living being is repeatedly exposed to aversive stimuli that it can neither control nor escape, it eventually ceases all attempts to flee — even when an exit becomes available.

This model, developed in the laboratory, applies with troubling precision to the situation of domestic violence victims. After months or years of failed attempts to "calm" the abuser, to "do right," to "avoid conflicts," the victim internalizes the idea that nothing she does will change the situation. This resignation is not weakness — it's a neurobiological response to chronic uncontrollable stress.

Daring to Leave: Preparing and Protecting

The Decision to Leave Is Not a Moment, It's a Process

Research shows that on average, a domestic violence victim makes seven departure attempts before permanently leaving the relationship. This figure, far from being a sign of failure, reflects the real complexity of the situation: emotional bonds, financial dependence, fear of retaliation, practical logistics (housing, children, employment), family and social pressure.

As a therapist, I never tell a patient "you must leave." That would reproduce the control model she already endures. I accompany her in building her own decision, at her own pace, strengthening her resources and capacity for evaluation.

The Safety Plan

For people considering departure, developing a concrete safety plan is a fundamental step:

Practical preparation:

• Gather essential documents (ID, children's passports, marriage certificate, pay slips, bank statements) and store them safely (with a trusted person, in a digital vault)
• Gradually set money aside
• Identify emergency housing (relative, organization, shelter)
• Prepare a departure bag ready to be grabbed quickly

Relational preparation:

• Identify at least one trusted person informed of the situation
• Establish an "alert code" with that person (a word, an innocuous text that means "I need help")
• Note emergency numbers in a safe place

Legal preparation:

• File a police report (a preliminary report can be a first step)
• Contact a lawyer specializing in family law
• Learn about protection orders (a judge can grant one urgently)
• Keep evidence (dated photos of injuries, medical certificates, screenshots of threatening messages)

The Moment of Departure: The Most Dangerous Period

It's a statistical fact that professionals repeat tirelessly: the moment of departure and the weeks that follow are when the risk of serious or even fatal violence is highest. The abuser loses control, and it's precisely this control that structured him.

This is why departure must be prepared, ideally in coordination with professionals (specialized organizations, social workers, law enforcement). One should never announce the intention to leave in a conflict context.

Rebuilding After Domestic Violence

The Victim's Post-Traumatic Syndrome

After departure, relief isn't immediate. Most victims present a post-traumatic picture that may include:

• Post-traumatic stress: flashbacks, nightmares, startle reactions, persistent hypervigilance, avoidance of places or situations reminiscent of the violence
• Depression: loss of motivation, crushing fatigue, sense of emptiness, concentration difficulties
• Generalized anxiety: permanent fear, difficulty feeling safe even in a protected environment
• Dissociation: feelings of derealization, emotional numbness
• Somatic problems: chronic pain, digestive disorders, sleep disturbances, weakened immunity

Post-Violence CBT Work

CBT support for domestic violence victims follows a multi-phase protocol:

Phase 1: Stabilization and Safety (weeks 1-8)

Absolute priority: the sense of safety. Before any deep therapeutic work, the person must feel physically and psychologically safe.

• Emotional regulation techniques (breathing, cardiac coherence, sensory grounding)
• Psychoeducation on trauma and the cycle of violence (understanding what happened reduces guilt)
• Rebuilding a minimal social network (breaking out of isolation)
• Managing practical emergencies (housing, finances, childcare)

Phase 2: Trauma Processing (months 3-9)

• Identifying and restructuring dysfunctional beliefs installed by the hold ("I'm worthless," "It was my fault," "I don't deserve better")
• Working on departure guilt (particularly intense when children are involved)
• Gradual exposure to traumatic memories (with PTSD protocol precautions)
• Working on early schemas that may have fostered tolerance of violence (not to blame, but to protect the future)

Phase 3: Identity Reconstruction (months 6-18)

• Rediscovering one's own tastes, desires, values (often completely erased by the hold)
• Working on assertiveness and boundary recognition
• Rebuilding self-esteem through concrete mastery experiences
• Possibly, working on relational patterns to avoid repetition

Cognitive Schemas to Deconstruct

In CBT, I specifically work on schemas that survive the violent relationship:

The defectiveness schema: "I'm flawed, that's why he treated me that way." This schema, often pre-existing but considerably reinforced by violence, must be examined and confronted with real evidence of the person's worth. The mistrust/abuse schema: "Others will hurt me." This schema protects but also imprisons. The work consists of nuancing it: "Some people are dangerous, others are trustworthy. I can learn to distinguish." The dependence schema: "I can't manage on my own." Every small autonomy victory (opening a bank account, deciding on a meal alone, solving an administrative problem) chips away at this schema. The self-sacrifice schema: "My needs don't matter." The person must relearn that her needs exist, that they're legitimate, and that she has the right to express them.

Children: Direct Collateral Victims

Children exposed to domestic violence are always victims, even when "they didn't see anything." They hear the screams through the walls. They perceive the tension. They see the bruises that makeup doesn't fully hide. They develop their own set of symptoms: sleep disorders, anxiety disorders, academic difficulties, behavioral problems, parentification (becoming the protective parent's protector).

Research shows that exposure to domestic violence has an impact comparable to direct maltreatment on a child's brain development. Leaving with your children is protecting them — even if the process is destabilizing in the short term.

Resources and Help: You Are Not Alone

Emergency and Help Numbers

| Number | Service | Availability |
|--------|---------|--------------|
| 1-800-799-7233 | National Domestic Violence Hotline (US) | 24/7, anonymous, free |
| 911 | Emergency services (US) | 24/7 |
| 0808 2000 247 | National Domestic Abuse Helpline (UK) | 24/7, free |
| 116 006 | Victim support (EU) | 7 days/week |

Organizations and Support Structures

• National Domestic Violence Hotline (US): thehotline.org — safety planning, support, referrals
• Women's Aid (UK): womensaid.org.uk — support services, refuges, information
• RAINN (US): rainn.org — sexual assault hotline and support
• National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (US): ncadv.org — resources and advocacy

Legal Protections

• Protection orders: a judge can issue emergency restraining or protective orders, even without a formal complaint
• Emergency shelter: domestic violence shelters provide immediate safe housing
• Evidence preservation: keep dated photos of injuries, medical records, screenshots of threatening messages
• Legal aid: many organizations offer free legal advice for domestic violence victims

What Family and Friends Can Do

How to React When Someone Confides

If someone in your life confides they are experiencing domestic violence:

What helps:

• Listen without judging ("I believe you," "It's not your fault," "You don't deserve this")
• Name the violence for what it is, without minimizing
• Offer concrete help without imposing solutions ("I'm here. What would help you?")
• Respect their pace — don't force them to leave if they're not ready
• Inform them of available resources without overwhelming them
• Maintain the connection, even if they return to the abuser

What doesn't help:

• "Why don't you just leave?" (this question creates guilt and ignores the situation's complexity)
• "He doesn't seem like that" (abusers are often charming in public)
• "Maybe you provoked him" (nothing justifies violence)
• Cutting ties because they "don't want to help themselves"

The Role of Health Professionals

Doctors, nurses, midwives, psychologists: early detection saves lives. Systematic, compassionate questioning ("How are things at home? Do you feel safe at home?") can open a door the victim didn't dare push alone.

Nathalie's Journey

Nathalie, the one who arrived in her turtleneck on a Monday in November, took six months to leave her husband. Six months of CBT work on her beliefs of helplessness, on her guilt, on her fear. Six months during which she silently prepared her departure: a secret bank account, a suitcase at her sister's, a legal file built with the help of a legal aid organization.

The day she left, she sent me a text: "It's done." Two words containing years of suffering and immense courage.

Reconstruction took time. Nightmares, startling when a door slammed, difficulty believing that someone could love her without hurting her. But little by little, session after session, belief after belief, Nathalie rebuilt what violence had destroyed.

At our last session, she told me: "I'm not the same woman as before. I'll never be the woman I would have been without all this. But I'm a woman who survived, and nobody can take that away from me."

Domestic violence leaves scars. But scars are proof that wounds can heal.

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The name has been changed to preserve anonymity.

Reminder: if you or someone you know is a victim of domestic violence, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233, 24/7, free, anonymous) or 911 in case of immediate danger.

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