Isabelle Filliozat: CBT for Child Emotions & Tantrums

Companion reading: Responding to Children’s Emotions: Parent Examples and Support.

In the article that follows, I explore emotional regulation. If you recognise yourself in this theme, I designed an emotional regulation test that helps you take stock of how you experience and regulate your emotions. It comes with a guide to extend your reflection beyond the results. I also wrote a book on this subject, The Practical CBT Guide, if you would like to go further.

A child's brain isn't a small adult brain

The prefrontal cortex—seat of emotion regulation, inhibition, reasoning—matures only at 25. In a 3-year-old, it's in full construction. Expecting a child to "control themselves" like an adult isn't educational: it's biologically impossible.

Filliozat popularizes this idea: understanding what a child can actually do according to their developmental stage avoids years of sterile conflict.

The 3 key ages

0-3 years: emotional immediacy

The child lives emotions at 100%, unfiltered. They can't defer, minimize, hide. A frustration = a storm. This isn't a defect, it's a stage.

3-6 years: storm and imagination

The famous "4-year-old crises": intense emotions + fertile imagination (night fears, monsters, nightmares). Emotional brain dominates, emotional language emerges.

6-12 years: cognitive construction

The child can begin naming emotions, identifying triggers. This is the age when simple CBT tools become applicable.

Understanding apparent "whims"

Filliozat decodes often misinterpreted behaviors:

"He refuses to sleep": fear of abandonment, overstimulation, transition need. Rarely a whim. "He hits his little brother": normal jealousy + emotional immaturity. Needs reassurance about love. "She doesn't want to get dressed": autonomy need (3-4 years), power struggle, possible sensory sensitivities to textures. "He eats poorly": sensory sensitivities, neophobia phase (3-6 years), power conflict. Forcing is counter-productive.

Limits of the Filliozat approach

Some legitimate criticisms of the movement:

Permissiveness risk: some parents interpret "welcoming emotions" as "accepting everything." It's a misreading. Filliozat insists on the framework. Parental guilt: emphasis on parental reaction impact can feed excessive self-criticism. A parent raising a child necessarily makes mistakes. Imperfection is the norm. Mental load: applying these principles constantly is exhausting. Parental burnout is real. Priority is global presence, not perfection of each interaction.

When to consult?

For the parent:

• Parental burnout (deep exhaustion, detachment)
• Repetitive crises overwhelming you
• Excessive self-criticism as parent
• Parental conflicts around education

For the child (via child psychiatrist or child CBT):

• Persistent behavioral disorders (>6 months)
• Invasive anxiety
• Unexplained school difficulties
• Chronic sleep disorders
• Repeated somatizations (belly/headaches)