Responding to Children’s Emotions: Parent Examples and Support
Companion reading: Isabelle Filliozat: CBT for Child Emotions & Tantrums.
In the article that follows, I explore emotional regulation. If you recognise yourself in this theme, I designed an emotional regulation test that helps you take stock of how you experience and regulate your emotions. It comes with a guide to extend your reflection beyond the results. I also wrote a book on this subject, Your Thoughts Don’t Have to Run Your Life, if you would like to go further.
Frequent parental error
Facing a crisis, many parents react in 3 counter-productive patterns:
Minimization: "it's nothing, stop." The child learns their emotions have no value. Moralization: "you're naughty to cry over that." The child learns feeling is wrong. Manipulation: "if you continue, no dessert." Emotion becomes transactional object.These 3 strategies stop expression short-term and sabotage long-term emotional regulation. The child learns to suppress, not regulate.
The parental CBT approach: 4 steps
1. Recognize the emotion
Put words on it: "you're angry because you wanted to keep playing." Naming doesn't validate behavior—it acknowledges feeling. This is future emotional intelligence foundation.
2. Welcome without giving in
Welcoming emotion ≠ giving in on the rule. "I understand you're mad. And we still put toys away before dinner." This double message—emotional validation + behavioral firmness—builds inner security.
3. Co-regulate
Before 7-8 years, a child cannot self-regulate alone. They need a regulated adult lending them their nervous system: calm breathing, steady voice, reassuring arms. This is co-regulation.
A panicked or angry parent can't regulate their child. Hence the importance of work on oneself before work on the child.
4. Restore and repair
Once the storm passes, return to it with the child: what happened? How did we feel? What can we try next time? This is emotional metacognition, foundation of early CBT development.
When to consult?
For the parent:
- Parental burnout (deep exhaustion, detachment)
- Repetitive crises overwhelming you
- Excessive self-criticism as parent
- Parental conflicts around education
- Persistent behavioral disorders (>6 months)
- Invasive anxiety
- Unexplained school difficulties
- Chronic sleep disorders
- Repeated somatizations (belly/headaches)
In brief: Explore the parental responses and four-step approach presented in the article, plus its discussion of when to seek support.
About the author
Gildas Garrec · CBT practitioner
Author of books and articles on applied psychology and relationships.
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