Emotional Intelligence in Children: A Skill That Changes Everything
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Emotional intelligence — the ability to recognise, understand, and manage one's own emotions, as well as to perceive and influence those of others — is one of the strongest predictors of wellbeing, relationship quality, and success in adult life.
In the article that follows, I explore emotional regulation. If you recognise yourself in this theme, I designed an emotional regulation test that helps you take stock of how you experience and regulate your emotions. It comes with a guide to extend your reflection beyond the results. I also wrote a book on this subject, The Practical CBT Guide, if you would like to go further.
The good news: unlike IQ, emotional intelligence develops. It is not fixed at birth. And it is built primarily in the early years of life, within the family and in daily interactions.
The components of emotional intelligence in children
Emotional self-awareness
This is the ability to recognise one's own emotions — to know what one is feeling, to be able to name it. A child who says "I'm sad" or "I'm scared" is developing fundamental emotional awareness. This awareness is the starting point for everything else.
Emotional regulation
Knowing how to manage one's emotions — not getting overwhelmed, finding strategies to move through difficult emotions — is the second component. It develops progressively and first requires having been supported by a regulating adult.
Empathy
Perceiving and understanding others' emotions, putting oneself in their place, and responding appropriately. This is a fundamental relational skill, developed through imitation and through experiences of being understood oneself.
Social skills
Using emotions to navigate relationships — maintaining friendships, resolving conflicts, cooperating. They draw on all the preceding components.
What develops emotional intelligence
Parents who name their emotions out loud, who validate their children's emotions, who help find words for inner states — even (and especially) in difficult moments — build solid emotional intelligence. Books about emotions, role-play games, and discussions after conflicts are also powerful vehicles.
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