Is he cheating? Telling fears apart from real signals

The question "is he/she cheating on me?" is one of the hardest to live with. It creates a deep sense of insecurity, colours every interaction, and can quickly contaminate the whole relationship — whether the answer turns out to be yes or no.

In the article that follows, I look at jealousy and insecurity in love. If this theme resonates with you, I have designed a jealousy test that lets you take stock of the intensity and the sources of your jealousy. It comes with a guide to take the reflection further, beyond the results.

What makes this question particularly complex is that it can arise from two very different sources: either an intuition grounded in real observations, or attachment anxiety that generates suspicion where there is nothing. Both deserve to be taken seriously — but they call for very different responses.

What the research says about real signals

Researchers who have studied the behaviour of people who cheat on their partner have identified several patterns which, taken together, may warrant attention. None of these signals is conclusive on its own — what counts is their accumulation and how sharply they break with the person's usual habits.

Unexplained changes in behaviour

Someone whose habits change without any plausible explanation — timetable, availability, affectionate attitude, behaviour around their phone — is worth pausing over. It is not the change itself that matters, but the absence of a credible explanation and the break with the usual dynamic.

Emotional distance

Gradual withdrawal, a loss of interest in shared life, fewer intimate conversations — not linked to a particular life event (work stress, bereavement, illness) — may indicate that the emotional investment lies elsewhere.

Heightened vigilance around privacy

Changing passwords for no reason, guarding a phone closely, becoming defensive when asked where they have been — in a context of suspicion, these behaviours take on a different meaning.

What attachment anxiety does to judgement

For someone with an anxious attachment style, doubt about a partner's fidelity can surface in the absence of any genuinely problematic behaviour. Attachment anxiety creates hypervigilance to the slightest sign of disinterest or withdrawal — and it can read neutral behaviours as signals.

The questions to ask yourself: do I always tend to doubt? Did these suspicions appear after an event that left me feeling insecure? Do I have concrete evidence, or is this an accumulation of hypotheses?

The direct conversation: often necessary, rarely easy

In most cases, the only route to clarity is a direct conversation with the partner. Not an accusatory confrontation, but an authentic expression of what you feel: "I have felt less connected to you for a while now and it worries me. Is there something you are going through at the moment?"

This conversation can lead to several outcomes: an explanation that brings relief, the revelation of another problem (depression, stress) that accounts for the change, or — more rarely — a confirmation of your fears.

What a structured test can offer

A structured questionnaire can help distinguish what belongs to objective observation from what belongs to anxious interpretation. It cannot prove infidelity — no test can. But it can help clarify what you really feel, identify whether you have slipped into a mode of generalised surveillance or are facing concrete elements, and prepare the conversation that needs to happen.

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