Children's Social Skills: Learning How to Be With Others

The ability to build relationships with others — to make contact, to cooperate, to resolve conflict, to read social cues — is one of the most complex achievements of childhood. Contrary to what we might assume, it is not something that "comes naturally" to every child in the same way.

Some children seem at ease in a group from a very early age. Others need more time, more support, or have cognitive profiles (social anxiety, giftedness, ADHD, autism) that make social exchanges more complex.

What social skills actually cover

Reading social situations

Understanding that a classmate is sad, that a joke has gone too far, that it is time to let someone else speak — these are skills that involve decoding non-verbal signals (facial expression, tone of voice, posture) and integrating them quickly in order to adjust one's behaviour.

These skills are unevenly developed from one child to another and from one age to another.

Self-regulation within the group

Waiting your turn, sharing, accepting defeat, coping with frustration towards another child without withdrawing or lashing out — these are demanding requirements of group life. They call for emotional regulation that is already well developed, and this is often where the first social difficulties appear.

Conflict resolution

Conflict between children is inevitable. What varies is the capacity to get through it: suggesting a solution, asking an adult for help, accepting a compromise, acknowledging one's own share of responsibility. These skills are learned gradually.

When social difficulties deserve attention

A few signals worth watching:

• A child who systematically avoids the group and prefers to play alone even when the opportunity arises
• Repeated conflicts with peers, with no capacity for repair
• Persistent difficulty making and keeping friends beyond the age of 6 or 7
• A failure to grasp implicit social rules (interrupting, not picking up on someone else's signs of boredom)
• Significant anxiety in social situations

These difficulties can have many origins — an anxious profile, autism, ADHD, lack of exposure — and warrant an assessment.

What helps social development

Free play with other children (especially games with rules) is one of the best vehicles. Structured group activities (team sport, drama, workshops) offer a safe framework in which to practise. Social skills training can be offered by a professional when the difficulties are more marked.

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