After the Narcissism Test: Concrete Next Steps to Take

You have taken the narcissism test and the result has struck a chord. Perhaps you have discovered narcissistic traits in yourself, or perhaps you are trying to understand a partner's behaviour. That moment of clarity, uncomfortable as it is, is a doorway to lasting change.

In the article that follows, I explore manipulation and coercive control in relationships. On this theme, I designed a test to assess whether you're in a manipulation situation to help you take stock of the control mechanisms at play around you, with a guide to go further. And if you have real messages to decode, ScanMyLove analyses your conversations with your partner from a simple export and reveals the true dynamic of the relationship.

But a test is only a snapshot. Real transformation begins afterwards, when you move into action.

Understanding your score: beyond the number

A narcissism test does not deliver a psychiatric diagnosis — it is a confidential screening tool that helps put words to behavioural patterns. It does not replace a professional. Your score places your profile on a continuum: some narcissistic traits are healthy (self-confidence, a need for recognition), others become problematic when they dominate and cause suffering around you.

The three levels of reading

Level 1: Isolated traits A single narcissistic trait does not define a personality. Needing validation is human. Wanting to shine socially is natural. The problem emerges when these traits stack up and make your relationship to others rigid. Level 2: The behavioural pattern Does your test reveal consistency? Lack of empathy + need for control + difficulty accepting criticism = a narcissistic pattern. That pattern shows up in your relationships, your work, your family. Level 3: Relational impact This is the real barometer. Do you experience repeated break-ups? Do people complain about you? Are you gradually becoming isolated? If your narcissism systematically affects your relationships, the steps below become essential.

Step 1: Accept without excessive guilt

Many people who discover narcissistic traits in themselves swing into one of two extremes: denial ("this test means nothing") or self-flagellation ("I'm a monster").

Neither helps.

Clear-eyed acceptance sounds like this: "I have these traits. Sometimes they serve me (ambition, charisma), sometimes they harm me (rigidity, poor listening). I can transform them."

Guilt paralyses. Acceptance opens doors.

As CBT research shows, awareness of the schema is the first step towards changing it. You are not condemned to remain who you are — but you must first see clearly.

Step 2: Identify your emotional triggers

Behind every narcissistic behaviour lies an unprocessed emotion: shame, fear of abandonment, a sense of inadequacy.

Practical exercise:

Think of a recent moment when you reacted in a narcissistic way (you minimised a loved one's emotions, you demanded admiration, you blamed others).

Go back to the instant just before. What had you felt?

Write down three hypotheses: "I was probably afraid of...", "I may have felt that...", "It could be that I feared..."

Example: You interrupted your partner while they were talking about their promotion. You yourself had failed a job interview the day before. Underlying emotion: shame, the fear of not measuring up.

This awareness transforms your relationship to the behaviour. You are no longer trying to justify it — you are trying to understand it.

Step 3: Assess the impact on your relationships

If you are in a relationship, narcissism never stays invisible for long. Your partner feels it in the micro-interactions: when you don't really listen, when you bring everything back to yourself, when their suffering bores you.

Read our article on Gottman's four horsemen — criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling are often the first visible signs of a narcissistic imbalance in a couple.

Three questions to ask yourself:

Does your partner feel heard? When they talk to you about their concerns, are you really listening or preparing your reply?

Do you accept criticism? Or do you immediately turn it into a counter-attack or a justification?

Do you acknowledge their merits? Or do you play down their successes to maintain your status as the "better" one?

If you answer "no" to the first two and "yes" to the third, relational work becomes urgent.

Step 4: Practise intentional empathy

Empathy does not come naturally to people with narcissistic traits. But it can be learned, like a foreign language.

CBT exercise: the other person's perspective

Every day for a week:

• Choose someone in your circle.


• Imagine a situation in their life (stress at work, a family worry).


• Write down what they are feeling, without bringing it back to yourself: "She is probably afraid that...", "He must feel alone when...", "Their main challenge is most likely..."


• Send them a simple message: "I was thinking about you. How are you?"

This exercise builds new neural connections. You are training your brain to see the other person as a full centre of experience, not as a prop in your own story.

Step 5: Address the underlying wounds

Narcissistic traits often mask deep emotional wounds. Perhaps you grew up with a parent who never acknowledged you. Perhaps you experienced public humiliation. Perhaps you learned that love was conditional on performance.

Narcissism then becomes a suit of armour: "If I am perfect, invulnerable, admired, no one can hurt me."

That armour works — until it isolates you completely.

Therapeutic work:

CBT or psychodynamic therapy allows you to explore these origins. Not in order to excuse yourself ("it's not my fault, it's my childhood"), but to understand the mechanism and defuse it.

When you see that your need for control comes from a chaotic childhood, when you understand that your contempt for emotions comes from a parent who punished you for expressing them — you can finally choose a different path.

Step 6: Build an authentic relationship with yourself

The paradox of narcissism: the more grandiose the image you build, the less you truly know yourself.

You don't know what you really like (beyond what makes you look good). You don't know what you feel (beyond rage or emptiness). You don't know who you are without the gaze of others.

Practising authenticity:

• Every day, note three things you felt without trying to hide or magnify them.
• Do an activity alone, with no witness, with no possibility of sharing it on social media.
• Say "I don't know" at least once a day.
• Admit a minor mistake to someone.

These small acts dismantle the armour. They are uncomfortable. But they make room for a real person.

Step 7: Set clear limits with yourself

Narcissism feeds on the absence of limits. You say what you think without filtering. You take what you need. You demand attention whenever you want it.

In the short term, that feels liberating. In the long term, it is destructive.

Limits to impose on yourself:

These limits are guardrails. They remind you that you are not the centre of the universe — and that this is good news.

Step 8: Consult a professional

If your test indicates moderate to high narcissistic traits, individual therapy is not a luxury — it is an investment.

A CBT psychotherapist can help you to:

• Identify the automatic thoughts that fuel your narcissism ("I am superior", "They don't understand me").


• Defuse controlling and manipulative behaviours.


• Build relationships based on reciprocity, not on domination.


• Tolerate criticism and imperfection.

If you are in a relationship, couples therapy may be necessary to repair the relational damage and rebuild trust.

Visit psychologieetserenite.com to explore the professionals available.

Step 9: Watch out for relapses

Change is not linear. You will make progress, then fall back into your old patterns. That is normal.

Warning signs:

• You start justifying your mistakes again instead of acknowledging them.
• You seek compulsive validation (social media, compliments).
• You withdraw when someone criticises you.
• You start minimising your partner's emotions again.

When you spot these signs, don't beat yourself up. Note them, understand what triggered them, and adjust.

Step 10: Analyse your conversations

If you are in a relationship, conversations are where narcissism reveals itself most clearly. Who talks the most? Who interrupts? Who brings everything back to themselves? Who genuinely validates the other?

Analyse your conversations to identify relational patterns. This tool helps you see objectively what is happening between the two of you — no judgement, just data.

The real work begins after the test

A narcissism test is an invitation, not a verdict. It says to you: "Here are patterns you need to look at squarely."

What you do with it next is up to you.

Some people ignore the result and carry on as before. Others read it, feel guilty for a week, then forget. A few — the brave ones — genuinely decide to change.

If you are in that last group, know that it is possible. Narcissistic traits are not fixed. With awareness, practice and professional support, you can build a more authentic relationship with yourself and with others.

Your partner, your family and your friends will feel the difference. And so will you.

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Gildas Garrec, CBT psychotherapist in Nantes