The 3 Pillars of Love: Does Your Relationship Have All 3?

Sophie, married for eight years, is increasingly questioning her relationship. "I love my husband, but sometimes I feel like we're more roommates than lovers," she confides during a consultation. This situation, far from being isolated, affects many couples who wonder about the quality and sustainability of their mutual commitment.

In the article that follows, I explore communication within the couple. If you recognise yourself in this theme, I designed a couple communication test that helps you take stock of your communication patterns as a couple. It comes with a guide to extend your reflection beyond the results. I also wrote a book on this subject, Saving Your Relationship: Communication, Crises, and Renewal, if you would like to go further.

Faced with these legitimate questions, scientific psychology offers valuable tools to understand and evaluate romantic relationships. Psychologist Robert Sternberg, professor at Yale and later at Cornell, developed a revolutionary theory in the 1980s that breaks down love into three measurable components: intimacy, passion, and commitment.

Take the test: Couple Communication → — Since intimacy rests on authentic communication, start by assessing how you and your partner actually talk, listen, and repair — the foundation of all three pillars.

This scientific approach not only allows you to better understand your current relationship but also helps identify areas for improvement to strengthen your couple. Let's discover together how Sternberg's love commitment test can illuminate your relational journey.

Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love

Scientific Foundations

Robert Sternberg, internationally recognized for his work in cognitive and relational psychology, revolutionized our understanding of love by proposing a rigorous triangular model. This theory, first published in 1986 in the journal Psychological Review, is based on more than twenty years of empirical research conducted with thousands of couples.

The strength of this model lies in its ability to objectify a feeling often perceived as purely subjective. Unlike traditional romantic approaches, Sternberg proposes a scientific analytical framework that allows for a concrete evaluation of relationship quality. What I describe here, I develop further in Understanding Your Attachment Style.

The Three Fundamental Components

The triangular theory identifies three essential pillars that, when combined, define the nature and intensity of your love:

Intimacy represents the emotional dimension of your relationship. It encompasses:

• Emotional closeness and complicity
• Mutual support during difficult times
• Deep and authentic communication
• The feeling of being understood and accepted as you are

Passion corresponds to physical attraction and desire. This component includes:

• Sexual attraction and physical chemistry
• Romantic excitement and euphoria
• The desire to merge with the other
• The emotional intensity of feelings

Commitment reflects the cognitive and decisional dimension of love:

• The conscious decision to love the other
• The willingness to maintain the relationship long-term
• Shared projects and building a future together
• Mutual fidelity and loyalty

The Different Types of Love According to Sternberg

The Classification of Romantic Relationships

By combining the three components, Sternberg identifies eight distinct types of love, each characterized by a specific profile:

Perfect Love combines all three dimensions at their maximum. This type of relationship, statistically rare (less than 10% of couples according to studies), represents the relational ideal where intimacy, passion, and commitment coexist harmoniously. Romantic Love associates intimacy and passion but lacks commitment. Typical of passionate relationships without future projections, it often characterizes the beginnings of relationships or extra-marital affairs. Companionate Love combines intimacy and commitment without passion. This type of relationship, common in established couples, resembles a deep friendship more than an intense romantic relationship.

Less Balanced Relational Profiles

Infatuation rests only on passion and commitment, without true intimacy. These relationships, often based on physical attraction and shared projects, lack emotional depth. Intimacy Alone characterizes deep friendships without romantic dimension. While valuable, these relationships do not constitute romantic bonds in the strict sense. Commitment Alone describes relationships maintained by duty or habit, without true passion or intimacy. Unfortunately frequent in couples in crisis, this profile often requires therapeutic support.

How to Evaluate Your Love Commitment

The Triangular Love Scale

Sternberg developed a scientifically validated questionnaire, the Triangular Love Scale, composed of 36 items evenly distributed among the three components. Each statement is rated on a scale of 1 to 9, allowing for a precise score for each dimension.

Here are some examples of items to give you an overview:

For Intimacy:

• "I can count on my partner if I need help"
• "My partner is able to understand my feelings"
• "I easily share personal information with my partner"

For Passion:

• "I find my partner very physically attractive"
• "They awaken excitement and interest in me"
• "I feel romantic desire toward my partner"

For Commitment:

• "I am sure of my commitment to my partner"

Take the Psy Test → — 60 questions, anonymous, PDF report (€2.90).

FAQ

What are the key warning signs that pillars of love is affecting my relationship?

Evaluate your relationship with Sternberg's 3 pillars of love: intimacy, passion, and commitment. Key warning signs include persistent emotional distress specifically tied to the relationship, repetitive conflict patterns that never resolve, and growing disconnection between what you feel and what you're able to express.

How does CBT approach pillars of love in relationship therapy?

CBT identifies the automatic thoughts and avoidance behaviors that maintain relationship distress. Cognitive restructuring helps develop more balanced interpretations of a partner's behavior, while behavioral experiments test whether feared outcomes actually occur — often revealing they're less catastrophic than anticipated.

When is individual therapy enough for pillars of love, versus needing couples therapy?

Individual therapy is often the first step when one partner isn't ready for joint work, or when personal cognitive schemas are the primary driver of distress. Couples formats like EFT or the Gottman Method add significant value when both partners are engaged and the relational dynamic itself needs addressing.