Self-Esteem in Children: What Builds It, What Undermines It

Self-esteem is the regard an individual has for themselves — their perceived worth, their sense of being capable, lovable, of having a place in the world. In children, it builds progressively through experiences and relationships, and remains modifiable throughout development.

In the article that follows, I explore self-esteem and how you see yourself. If you recognise yourself in this theme, I designed a self-esteem test that helps you take stock of the level and foundations of your self-esteem. It comes with a guide to extend your reflection beyond the results. I also wrote a book on this subject, Your Thoughts Don’t Have to Run Your Life, if you would like to go further.

Fragile self-esteem is not a fatality. It signals that certain developmental needs have not been fully met — and that adjustments in the environment can make a real difference.

The components of self-esteem

The sense of competence

"I am capable of doing things." This sense rests on real experiences of success — not exceptional performances, but results reached through effort. A child who succeeds at everything without effort doesn't necessarily develop a good sense of competence, because they have never had to overcome an obstacle. You can also put this into words with Psy Lounge, an AI specialized in CBT.

The sense of worth

"I have value as a person." This dimension is independent of results. It is nourished by the loving gaze of adults, the place given to the child in the family, the fact of being listened to and taken into account — not only when they succeed. This is precisely what I analyse in My Mind Won’t Give Me a Break.

The sense of belonging

"I have a place in this group." Family, class, circle of friends — feeling that one belongs to a group contributes powerfully to self-esteem, particularly from school age onwards.

What undermines self-esteem

Systematic comparison with others, criticism directed at the person rather than at behaviours ("you're useless" vs "that drawing didn't turn out well"), overprotection that deprives the child of experiences of autonomous success, and lack of time where the child is seen for themselves — all of this gradually undermines self-esteem.

What strengthens it

Valuing effort over result, giving age-appropriate responsibilities, listening without immediately correcting or solving, celebrating even modest progress — these daily micro-practices build solid self-esteem over time.

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