I've Tried Everything: understanding children's emotions per Filliozat and CBT

Isabelle Filliozat, French psychotherapist, transformed French parenting with I've Tried Everything. Her thesis: most child "tantrums" aren't whims but clumsy expressions of emotions they can't yet name. This approach, aligned with developmental neuroscience, meets CBT tools: understand emotion before correcting behavior.

A child's brain isn't a small adult brain

The prefrontal cortex—seat of emotion regulation, inhibition, reasoning—matures only at 25. In a 3-year-old, it's in full construction. Expecting a child to "control themselves" like an adult isn't educational: it's biologically impossible.

Filliozat popularizes this idea: understanding what a child can actually do according to their developmental stage avoids years of sterile conflict.

The 3 key ages

0-3 years: emotional immediacy

The child lives emotions at 100%, unfiltered. They can't defer, minimize, hide. A frustration = a storm. This isn't a defect, it's a stage.

3-6 years: storm and imagination

The famous "4-year-old crises": intense emotions + fertile imagination (night fears, monsters, nightmares). Emotional brain dominates, emotional language emerges.

6-12 years: cognitive construction

The child can begin naming emotions, identifying triggers. This is the age when simple CBT tools become applicable.

Frequent parental error

Facing a crisis, many parents react in 3 counter-productive patterns:

Minimization: "it's nothing, stop." The child learns their emotions have no value. Moralization: "you're naughty to cry over that." The child learns feeling is wrong. Manipulation: "if you continue, no dessert." Emotion becomes transactional object.

These 3 strategies stop expression short-term and sabotage long-term emotional regulation. The child learns to suppress, not regulate.

The parental CBT approach: 4 steps

1. Recognize the emotion

Put words on it: "you're angry because you wanted to keep playing." Naming doesn't validate behavior—it acknowledges feeling. This is future emotional intelligence foundation.

2. Welcome without giving in

Welcoming emotion ≠ giving in on the rule. "I understand you're mad. And we still put toys away before dinner." This double message—emotional validation + behavioral firmness—builds inner security.

3. Co-regulate

Before 7-8 years, a child cannot self-regulate alone. They need a regulated adult lending them their nervous system: calm breathing, steady voice, reassuring arms. This is co-regulation.

A panicked or angry parent can't regulate their child. Hence the importance of work on oneself before work on the child.

4. Restore and repair

Once the storm passes, return to it with the child: what happened? How did we feel? What can we try next time? This is emotional metacognition, foundation of early CBT development.

Understanding apparent "whims"

Filliozat decodes often misinterpreted behaviors:

"He refuses to sleep": fear of abandonment, overstimulation, transition need. Rarely a whim. "He hits his little brother": normal jealousy + emotional immaturity. Needs reassurance about love. "She doesn't want to get dressed": autonomy need (3-4 years), power struggle, possible sensory sensitivities to textures. "He eats poorly": sensory sensitivities, neophobia phase (3-6 years), power conflict. Forcing is counter-productive.

Limits of the Filliozat approach

Some legitimate criticisms of the movement:

Permissiveness risk: some parents interpret "welcoming emotions" as "accepting everything." It's a misreading. Filliozat insists on the framework. Parental guilt: emphasis on parental reaction impact can feed excessive self-criticism. A parent raising a child necessarily makes mistakes. Imperfection is the norm. Mental load: applying these principles constantly is exhausting. Parental burnout is real. Priority is global presence, not perfection of each interaction.

When to consult?

For the parent:

• Parental burnout (deep exhaustion, detachment)


• Repetitive crises overwhelming you


• Excessive self-criticism as parent


• Parental conflicts around education

For the child (via child psychiatrist or child CBT):

• Persistent behavioral disorders (>6 months)


• Invasive anxiety


• Unexplained school difficulties


• Chronic sleep disorders


• Repeated somatizations (belly/headaches)

Takeaway

Children's emotions aren't whims to crush but expressions to understand. Parental CBT, in Filliozat's lineage, proposes a delicate balance: emotional validation + clear framework + co-regulation. No permissiveness, no authoritarianism—a benevolent firmness based on knowledge of brain development.

If you feel overwhelmed by your child's crises or doubt your parental reactions, family CBT support can calm the dynamic and restore your parenting confidence.