Denis Marquet: Loving to Infinity, CBT Love?

Step 3 — From Psyche to Spirituality. We first dared our deep desires (article 1), then saw how this "I" meets the other in parenthood (article 2). Now arrives the question Denis Marquet treats in Loving to Infinity: what does it really mean to love? Beyond need, possession, fear of being alone — is there a form of love that liberates instead of imprisoning? This question, philosophical and spiritual in Marquet, finds precise resonances in couple CBT and 3rd generation therapy.

In the article that follows, I explore communication within the couple. If you recognise yourself in this theme, I designed a couple communication test that helps you take stock of your communication patterns as a couple. It comes with a guide to extend your reflection beyond the results. Worth knowing: I also offer ScanMyLove, a tool that analyses couple conversations from a simple export, to better understand a relationship's dynamic.

The 3 loves according to Marquet

Marquet distinguishes three levels, which we find in clinical literature under other names:

1. Fusion love (disguised need)

"I need you, without you I am nothing." This is love that clings, demands, controls. In CBT, we call it emotional dependence: the other becomes an emotional prosthesis. Intense passion at the beginning, inevitable suffering afterward. Correlated with anxious attachment (Bowlby).

Take the test: Emotional Dependence Test → — Do you recognize the "without you I am nothing" pattern? This self-assessment helps you see where you sit between fusion and secure love.

2. Exchange love (the hidden contract)

"I love you on condition that...". Love becomes transactional: I give, you give back. Accounting sets in. When the perceived balance breaks, the relationship deteriorates. This is the love of contract marriage that Gottman documents as vulnerable to separation.

3. Unconditional love (shared freedom)

Love that asks nothing in return, not because it is dispossessed of itself, but because it arises from inner fullness. What Marquet calls "loving to infinity." What positive psychology calls mature love (Fromm), what spirituality sometimes calls agape.

The clinical problem: how to go from level 1 to level 3

Most people oscillate between the first two levels. The third seems theoretical, distant. Yet CBT offers a concrete path:

Step A: working on inner security

You cannot love unconditionally from a lack. Individual psychotherapy often precedes the ability to love maturely. Working on schemas of abandonment, incompetence, mistrust (Young). Building inner security that no longer depends on the other's presence.

Step B: distinguishing attachment and love

Attachment is biological: it activates the same brain circuits as drug withdrawal. Love is a conscious choice. Do not confuse "I cannot live without you" (attachment) with "I choose your presence every day" (love).

Step C: desire without fear

Marquet insists: loving to infinity is not wanting nothing from the other. Desire remains there — desire for presence, sensuality, shared project. But it is no longer contaminated by fear of losing. This emotional alchemy is the central object of advanced CBT.

The parallel with ACT

Steven Hayes, in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, proposes a surprisingly convergent vision:

• Clarify the value "unconditional love" as direction (not goal)


• Defuse from anxiety-inducing thoughts ("he/she will leave me")


• Accept the discomfort of relational uncertainty


• Commit to concrete love actions (presence, listening, attentions) even when afraid

Loving to infinity in ACT means acting in the direction of love even when emotions say "flee" or "cling."

The 5 practices of conscious love

From the Marquet/CBT/Gottman crossover:

1. Total presence: listening without preparing your response. 90% of conflicts come from a listening deficit. 2. Active appreciation: naming each day one thing appreciated in the other. Not flattering — seeing. Gottman showed that the 5:1 ratio (5 positive interactions for 1 negative) predicts couple durability. 3. Non-projection: what you reproach in the other is often your own shadow. CBT teaches to recognize this mirror. 4. The protective framework: loving unconditionally does not mean accepting everything. Clear limits on violence, lies, contempt protect love. 5. Mutual freedom: each remains a complete person. Fusional = announced end. Close and free = durable.

When couples therapy is necessary

Loving to infinity is an ideal. Most couples oscillate, regress, progress. CBT couple therapy is not a luxury, but a common tool when:

• Disputes loop without resolution


• One or both feel alone in the couple


• Sexuality has died out without understanding why


• Infidelity (real or fantasized) has appeared


• Gottman's 4 horsemen are present (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling)

The bridge to spirituality

Marquet, philosopher, asks the question CBT often avoids: what if conscious love opened a spiritual dimension? Not religious in the institutional sense, but an experience of presence that exceeds individual boundaries. Loving without expecting is to experience a form of eternity in the instant.

This reading is not required of everyone. But for those who are sensitive to it, Marquet offers a bridge that CBT leaves open without exploring: mature love is already a spiritual path.

Key takeaway

Loving to infinity is neither a natural gift nor a chance of fate. It is a path. CBT proposes the concrete steps; Marquet proposes the vision that orients. One without the other remains incomplete: technique without meaning becomes mechanical, meaning without technique remains a pious wish.

If your relationship with love makes you suffer — invasive jealousy, dependence, repetition of the same stories, fear of loving — CBT support can lead you, step by step, from level 1 to level 3 that Marquet calls "loving to infinity."

Next and final article in this series: Joy — where Marquet takes us into the fully spiritual dimension of his work.

Take the Psy Test → — 60 questions, anonymous, PDF report (€4.99). 🔗 Analyze your conversations with ScanMyLove — Doubts about your relationship? Analyze your chats and see what they really reveal.

Related articles

• Denis Marquet: Loving to Infinity, Can CBT Free Your Love?

FAQ

When does the issue around love really become problematic and not just a habit?

Denis Marquet explores infinite love. The decisive criterion is not frequency but loss of control: you continue despite clear negative consequences and you are unable to stop despite a sincere intention.

Which treatments are most effective?

CBT is the reference treatment with meta-analyses showing moderate to large effect sizes. It combines functional analysis of triggers, cognitive restructuring, and relapse prevention.

Can one fully recover or is it always lifelong management?

For behavioral addictions, complete remission with controlled use is possible. The CBT tools learned in therapy remain available to prevent and manage relapses.