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Cover of Together, but No Longer Talking

Together, but No Longer Talking

Relationship communication, recurring conflicts, and exercises for couples

By Gildas Garrec · 220 pages · 2025

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About this book

A relationship book about recurring conflicts, communication and exercises for couples.

Is your relationship in crisis, and you can no longer tell whether it's repairable or ending? Do you argue in circles without ever resolving anything — or, worse, have you stopped arguing altogether? This guide draws on the work of John Gottman, who predicts divorce with over 90% accuracy after watching a couple interact for just fifteen minutes: you'll learn to spot the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling) that signal real danger, and to restore the five-to-one ratio of positive to negative interactions that characterizes stable couples. The book combines this model with Bowlby's attachment theory, Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication, and Gary Chapman's five love languages, in a concrete, week-by-week program designed to turn good intentions into new habits. Every chapter pairs scientific research with practical exercises to defuse conflict, rebuild marital friendship, and rekindle genuine intimacy — not ready-made recipes, but a proven, structured method for couples willing to do the work.

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Table of contents

  1. 1When Love Falters
  2. 2What This Book Offers
  3. 3How to Use This Book
  4. 4A Word of Caution
  5. 5Outline of the Book
  6. 6When the Ground Gives Way
  7. 7What Is a Relationship Crisis? Distinguishing Normal from Destructive
  8. 8The Story of Sophie and Thomas
  9. 9The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
  10. 10The Phenomenon of Emotional Flooding
  11. 11The Cascade Toward Disengagement
  12. 12What the Numbers Tell Us
  13. 13Practical Exercise: The Four Horsemen Journal
  14. 14Back to Sophie and Thomas
  15. 15Key Points of Chapter 1
  16. 16The Invisible Roots
  17. 17Attachment: The Invisible Foundation of Love
  18. 18The Story of Marc and Lea
  19. 19Family Patterns and Unconscious Scripts
  20. 20The Erosion of Daily Life
  21. 21The Role of Life Transitions
  22. 22From Passionate Love to Companionate Love: What Neurobiology Tells Us
  23. 23Practical Exercise: Mapping Your Relationship History
  24. 24Back to Marc and Lea
  25. 25Key Points of Chapter 2
  26. 26Bibliographic References (Chapters 1 and 2)
  27. 27The Magic Ratio: 5 Positive Interactions for Every 1 Negative
  28. 28The Sound Relationship House: A Model for Understanding Everything
  29. 29The Case of Amelie and Vincent
  30. 30Love Maps: Do You Really Know Your Partner?
  31. 31Trust and Commitment: The Invisible Pillars
  32. 32Identifying YOUR Specific Problems
  33. 33Solvable Problems vs. Perpetual Problems
  34. 34Exercise: "Your Couple's Health Check"
  35. 35Back to Amelie and Vincent
  36. 36Key Points of Chapter 3
  37. 37The Fundamentals of CBT Applied to Couples
  38. 38Cognitive Distortions in Couples
  39. 39The Case of Julie and Karim
  40. 40The ABC Model in Couples
  41. 41Automatic Thoughts vs. Core Beliefs
  42. 42Behavioral Experiments for Couples
  43. 43Exercise: "Beck's Columns for Couples"
  44. 44Back to Julie and Karim
  45. 45Key Points of Chapter 4
  46. 46Bibliographic References (Chapters 3 and 4)
  47. 47The Communication Crisis: Why Couples Stop Talking
  48. 48The Four Steps of Nonviolent Communication
  49. 49"You" Messages and "I" Messages
  50. 50Active Listening: The Principles of Rogers' Empathic Listening
  51. 51The Speaker-Listener Technique
  52. 52Emotional Validation: The Art of Making the Other Feel Heard
  53. 53Gottman's "Dreams Within Conflict" Approach
  54. 54Back to Clara and Antoine
  55. 55The Five Love Languages
  56. 56Gottman's Connection Rituals
  57. 57Marriage in Six Hours a Week
  58. 58Creating Shared Meaning and Common Life Dreams
  59. 59The Eight-Week Program
  60. 60Back to Nadia and Pierre
  61. 61The Anxious-Avoidant Trap: When Attachment Styles Collide
  62. 62Case Study: Isabelle and David
  63. 63When Infidelity Is a Symptom (Not the Disease)
  64. 64Blended Families: Specific Challenges and Solutions
  65. 65When a Partner Suffers from Depression or Anxiety
  66. 66Long-Distance Relationships
  67. 67When to Seek Professional Help
  68. 68When Saving the Relationship Is Not Possible: Conscious Uncoupling
  69. 69Practical Exercise: Mapping Your Triggers
  70. 70Back to Isabelle and David
  71. 71Key Points of Chapter 7
  72. 72The Myth of the Effortless Relationship
  73. 73Case Study: Catherine and Olivier
  74. 74Preventing Relapse: Early Warning Signals
  75. 75Turning Toward Each Other: A Daily Practice
  76. 76Maintaining Emotional Intimacy Across the Decades
  77. 77Sexual Intimacy: Discordant Desire and Renewal
  78. 78Couples Who Last: What Research Teaches Us
  79. 79Gratitude and Appreciation: Daily Practices
  80. 80Creating New Experiences Together
  81. 81Practical Exercise: The Six-Month Maintenance Plan
  82. 82Back to Catherine and Olivier
  83. 83Key Points of Chapter 8

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