Emotional Dependency Test: Are You Too Dependent?

Companion reading: Emotional Dependency Scores: Reading the Overall Result and Profile.

In the article that follows, I explore emotional dependency and the need for the other. Worth knowing: I offer ScanMyLove, a tool that analyses couple conversations from a simple export, to better understand a relationship's dynamic. And if you recognise yourself in this theme, I designed an emotional dependency test that helps you take stock of your relationship to others and your emotional autonomy. It comes with a guide to extend your reflection beyond the results. I also wrote a book on this subject, Emotional Dependency, if you would like to go further.

Why Assess Your Emotional Dependency with a Score?

Emotional dependency is a spectrum, not a switch. You're not either "emotionally dependent" or "independent": you fall somewhere on a continuum ranging from healthy emotional autonomy to disabling dependency. This is why a score-based approach is infinitely more useful than a simple checklist of "warning signs."

Take the test: Emotional Dependency → — This self-assessment places you on exactly that continuum, showing which dimensions — abandonment fear, need for approval, solitude — weigh most.

In clinical psychology, standardized assessment scales are the gold standard tool for measuring the intensity of a trait or disorder. The Spann-Fischer Codependency Scale (Fischer, Spann & Crawford, 1991) and Peabody's Relationship Addiction Test (2005) are among the most widely used instruments in research. If you've already read our article on emotional dependency: recognize and break free, you know the general signs. Here, we go further by offering you a structured self-assessment tool.

The advantage of scoring is twofold: it gives you a numerical result (less subject to minimization or exaggeration than subjective impressions), and it allows you to see which specific dimensions are most affected. You may discover that your emotional dependency centers on fear of abandonment but not on the need for approval, or vice versa. This precision is essential for directing effective therapeutic work.

The 5 Dimensions of Emotional Dependency

The self-assessment grid offered below is organized into 5 dimensions, each corresponding to a clinical facet of emotional dependency. These dimensions are based on Robert Bornstein's work (1993) on dependent personality, Jeffrey Young's schema therapy (2003), and clinical practice in CBT.

Dimension 1: Fear of Abandonment (5 Criteria)

Fear of abandonment is the central core of emotional dependency. It manifests as intense anxiety at the thought of losing the other person, even in the absence of real threat. In CBT, this fear is often linked to an early abandonment schema (Young, 1990) formed in childhood. Another option: Psy Lounge, to put this into words with a CBT-trained AI.

For each statement, give yourself a score from 0 (never) to 4 (almost always):

• A1. When my partner doesn't respond to my messages within an hour, I experience anxiety that's difficult to control.
• A2. I'm convinced that if my partner really knew me, they would leave me.
• A3. I've already done things contrary to my values to prevent the other person from leaving.
• A4. The idea of being alone seems unbearable, even unthinkable to me.
• A5. I interpret changes in the other person's mood as signs they're going to leave me.

Subtotal A: ___ / 20

Dimension 2: Need for Approval (5 Criteria)

The need for approval reflects difficulty validating one's own choices, emotions, and identity. The emotionally dependent person delegates this validation to the other person, placing themselves in a position of permanent vulnerability. Psychologist Albert Ellis (1962) spoke of "irrational demand for approval," one of the central beliefs that generate suffering.

• B1. I need my partner to regularly tell me they love me to feel secure.
• B2. I often modify my opinions to match what the other person expects.
• B3. A disapproving look from the other person can ruin my entire day.
• B4. I constantly seek proof that the other person loves me (rereading messages, interpreting gestures).
• B5. I feel worthless when I'm not in a relationship.

Subtotal B: ___ / 20

Dimension 3: Self-Erasure (5 Criteria)

Self-erasure is the process by which the emotionally dependent person sacrifices their needs, desires, and identity for the relationship. In schema therapy, this corresponds to the subjugation schema and the self-sacrifice schema. The person ends up no longer knowing who they are outside the relationship.

• C1. I often say "yes" when I mean "no" to avoid conflict.
• C2. I've abandoned activities, friends, or personal projects to spend more time on my relationship.
• C3. I feel responsible for the other person's happiness.
• C4. I struggle to identify my own needs independently from my partner's.
• C5. I tolerate hurtful behaviors because I'm afraid of the other person's reaction if I express disagreement.

Subtotal C: ___ / 20

Dimension 4: Difficulty with Solitude (5 Criteria)

The capacity to be alone is a marker of psychological health (Winnicott, 1958). The emotionally dependent person associates solitude with unbearable existential emptiness, which drives them to cling to relationships even when they're harmful.

• D1. When I'm alone at home, I feel discomfort or anxiety.
• D2. I move from one relationship to another without any real period of being single.
• D3. I contact my partner several times a day for no particular reason, just to reassure myself.
• D4. I feel depressed or anxious on days when I don't see my partner.
• D5. I've already maintained an unsatisfying relationship rather than be alone.

Subtotal D: ___ / 20

Dimension 5: Anxious Control (5 Criteria)

Paradoxically, emotional dependency can manifest through controlling behaviors. This isn't control "for power" like in coercive relationships, but anxious control: the person attempts to manage the relational environment to calm their anxiety. This is often linked to pathological jealousy.

• E1. I regularly check my partner's phone or social media.
• E2. I ask insistent questions about the people my partner saw during the day.
• E3. I feel threatened by the other person's close friends or colleagues.
• E4. I've already started conflicts because of my jealousy, even when I knew my suspicions were unfounded.
• E5. I feel the need to know where the other person is at all times.

Subtotal E: ___ / 20

Now that you have your five subtotals, read Emotional Dependency Scores: Reading the Overall Result and Profile to find out what they mean and which dimension to work on first.

What CBT Concretely Offers

Cognitive-behavioral therapy is the scientifically most validated approach for treating emotional dependency. Here are the main work areas, adapted to each dimension.

1. Cognitive restructuring: this involves identifying automatic thoughts ("If they don't respond, it means they don't love me") and confronting them with factual reality. Beck's thought record is the reference tool: situation, automatic thought, emotion, alternative thought, new emotion. 2. Behavioral experiments: rather than discussing fears in sessions, CBT proposes to test them in reality. For example, not sending a message for 3 hours and observing what actually happens (versus what your anxious brain predicted). 3. Assertiveness training: techniques like DESC (Describe, Express, Specify, Conclude) or the broken record allow you to relearn expressing your needs without aggression or submission. Couple communication is an essential training ground. 4. Work on early schemas: in schema therapy (Young et al., 2003), you identify abandonment, self-sacrifice, dependency, and emotional deprivation schemas, and link them to childhood experiences to gradually soften them.

📖 To go further: to move beyond emotional dependency, the book Dépendance affective supports this path to freedom.

Related articles

• Jealousy and Possessiveness test: what it measures and how to interpret your score

Move to the Next Step

For an even more precise and personalized result, I invite you to take our <strong>Online Emotional Dependency Test</strong>. This 30-question test, evaluated on 4 clinical dimensions, will provide you with a detailed score and in-depth interpretation. It's free to start, and a comprehensive report is available if you want to go further.

If your score, whether on this grid or on the online test, reveals significant emotional dependency, don't hesitate to <strong>schedule an appointment</strong> for an initial consultation. As a CBT psychotherapist, I support people with emotional dependency toward recovered emotional autonomy, through structured and compassionate work.

Do You Recognize Yourself in This Article?

Take our test: Emotional Dependency Test in 60 questions. 100% anonymous – Personalized PDF report.

Take the test → Also discover: Attachment Style (60 questions) – Personalized report.

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Further reading

• Understanding Your Attachment Style
• 10 CBT exercises for self-esteem