Pennebaker's Markers: What 'I' and 'We' Reveal in Texts

The secret language of your messages: when "I" and "we" reveal your couple's dynamic

As Gildas Garrec, CBT psychotherapist and founder of Psychologie et Sérénité, I have seen countless couples struggle to understand the underlying dynamics of their relationship. Spoken words often vanish into thin air, leaving room for blurred interpretations and lasting misunderstandings. But what about our written conversations? About those dozens, even hundreds of messages exchanged every day through WhatsApp, SMS or Messenger?

In the article that follows, I look at how to interpret your partner's messages. I also make ScanMyLove available to you, a tool that analyses your conversations with your partner from a simple export of your exchanges. The results make it possible to understand the interaction and the patterns at play in your relationship. I also wrote two books on this subject, Understanding Your Attachment Style and Saving Your Relationship: Communication, Crises, and Renewal, if you would like to go further.

That is where a wealth of precious information lies, a genuine laboratory of your life as a couple. An isolated message can always be reinterpreted, coloured by the emotion of the moment. But dozens or hundreds of time-stamped messages trace a pattern which, through its persistence and its chronology, cannot be rewritten. Writing freezes the sequence, making legible what speech makes so elusive.

Today I invite you to explore a fascinating and often overlooked aspect of this written communication: linguistic markers, and more particularly the use of the pronouns "I" and "we", in the light of James Pennebaker's work. These small words, seemingly innocuous, are powerful indicators of individual psychology and of your couple's relational dynamic.

The unsuspected power of pronouns in your written exchanges

The research of psychologist James Pennebaker has shown that analysing language, and in particular how frequently certain categories of words are used, can reveal deep psychological states and relational dynamics. Among those categories, personal pronouns hold a central place. Using "I" rather than "we" is never a matter of chance; it reflects cognitive and emotional mechanisms at work.

In the context of a couple's written conversations, the psychological analysis of these pronouns, over time, makes it possible to detect patterns that one would never perceive in speech. This is one of the strengths of the ScanMyLove approach: turning a mass of textual data into a clinical, structured reading of your relationship.

When "I" dominates: signs of individuation, or a warning?

A predominant use of the pronoun "I" in a partner's messages, especially in contexts of discussion or conflict, can be a significant indicator. Expressing your own feelings is of course essential ("I feel sad", "I need some time"). However, overuse can reveal:

* An excessive focus on oneself: the partner is above all preoccupied with their own needs, emotions or perspectives