Psychological Violence: A Relationship Self-Assessment

Sarah wakes up every morning with a knot in her stomach. Her partner Marc systematically starts his day with reproaches: "You've messed up the kitchen again," "With your pathetic salary, we'll never get by," "Lucky for you, you have me; no one else would put up with you." These phrases, repeated daily for months, have ended up making Sarah doubt her own worth. She wonders whether she is overreacting, whether these behaviors are "normal" in a couple.

In the article that follows, I explore communication within the couple. If you recognise yourself in this theme, I designed a couple communication test that helps you take stock of your communication patterns as a couple. It comes with a guide to extend your reflection beyond the results.

This situation is a textbook example of psychological intimate partner violence, a phenomenon more widespread than people imagine. According to the 2020 "Living Environment and Safety" survey, 213,000 women and 82,000 men report having been victims of psychological violence from their partner or ex-partner in France. Unlike physical violence, psychological violence leaves scars that are invisible but every bit as deep.

The main difficulty lies in identifying these toxic behaviors. Victims, like Sarah, often develop mechanisms of denial or minimization. That is why self-assessment through scientifically validated tools becomes essential to becoming aware of one's situation and starting a process of change.

Understanding psychological violence in relationships

Definition according to the DSM-5 and current research

Psychological intimate partner violence is defined as a set of repeated behaviors aimed at controlling, dominating, or devaluing one's partner. The DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) classifies it among the forms of psychological abuse, characterized by non-physical acts that cause significant emotional distress.

The research of Lenore Walker, a pioneer in the study of intimate partner violence, established the concept of the "cycle of violence," which comprises three phases: tension, the explosion (here psychological), and reconciliation. This cycle creates emotional dependence in the victim, making leaving the relationship particularly complex.

The different forms of psychological violence

Psychological violence manifests in several forms:

• Social isolation: Controlling relationships, forbidding contact with certain people
• Economic control: Limiting access to financial resources
• Emotional blackmail: Threats of suicide or breakup, using the children
• Systematic devaluation: Constant criticism, humiliation, hurtful comparisons
• Behavioral control: Excessive surveillance, checking messages, limiting outings

"Psychological violence is often more destructive than physical violence because it directly attacks the victim's self-esteem and perception of reality." - Dr. Patricia Evans, specialist in abusive relationships

Scientifically validated assessment scales

The CTS-2 scale (Conflict Tactics Scales)

Developed by Murray Straus, the CTS-2 scale is the international reference tool for assessing intimate partner violence. Its section dedicated to psychological aggression includes 8 items assessing:

• Insults and verbal abuse
• Threats of violence
• The destruction of personal belongings
• Attempts at isolation

This scale has the advantage of being quantifiable and allows an objective assessment of the frequency of abusive behaviors.

The Beck inventories for anxiety and depression

Aaron Beck, the father of cognitive therapy, developed tools to assess the psychological impact of chronic stressful situations. The Beck Depression Inventory (BDI-II) and the Beck Anxiety Inventory (BAI) are particularly relevant for measuring the consequences of psychological violence.

Victims of intimate partner violence often show high scores on these scales, with characteristic symptoms:

• Feelings of worthlessness (item 14 of the BDI-II)


• Difficulty concentrating (item 19 of the BDI-II)


• Panic attacks (BAI items)

The Rosenberg self-esteem scale

Morris Rosenberg created a simple yet effective scale to assess global self-esteem. This measure is crucial because psychological violence primarily aims to destroy the victim's self-confidence.

The scale comprises 10 items, some of which are particularly revealing in the context of intimate partner violence:

• "I feel that I am a person of worth"


• "I take a positive attitude toward myself"


• "At times, I think I am no good at all"

Self-assessment: warning signs to identify

Self-assessment questionnaire based on research

To help you in your self-assessment process, here are the main indicators to examine in your relationship. Answer honestly with "never," "sometimes," "often," or "very often":

Control and isolation:

• Does your partner blame you for seeing your friends or family?
• Does he control your outings, your schedule?
• Does he criticize you about your spending?
• Does he read your messages or check your phone?

Devaluation and humiliation:

• Does he make hurtful remarks about your appearance?
• Does he minimize your professional or personal achievements?
• Does he compare you unfavorably to other people?
• Does he make you feel that you are "lucky" to be with him?

Threats and blackmail:

• Does he threaten to leave you during arguments?
• Does he use the children to make you feel guilty?
• Does he threaten to harm himself if you leave?

The importance of analyzing conversations

Everyday exchanges often reveal subtle patterns of psychological violence. Analyzing your couple conversations can help you identify toxic dynamics you hadn't noticed. This objective approach allows you to step back from emotionally charged situations.

Take the test: Toxic Relationship Detection → — If control, isolation and devaluation feature in these warning signs, this structured self-assessment helps you gauge how far the dynamic has become toxic.

Psychological and neurobiological impact

Consequences for mental health

Judith Herman's research on complex trauma shows that repeated psychological violence causes lasting changes in psychological functioning. Victims frequently develop:

• Complex post-traumatic stress disorder: Flashbacks, avoidance, hypervigilance
• Major depression: Affecting 60% of victims according to the WHO
• Anxiety disorders: Generalized anxiety, panic attacks
• Dissociation: A defense mechanism against emotional pain

Neurobiological changes

Neuroscience has revealed that chronic psychological violence causes measurable changes at the brain level. The work of Martin Teicher (Harvard University) shows a reduction in the volume of the hippocampus, a structure essential for memory and emotional regulation.

These findings explain why victims often have:

• Difficulties with concentration and memory


• Disrupted emotional regulation


• A tendency toward excessive self-criticism


• Persistent sleep disturbances

Breaking the cycle: strategies and resources

First step: awareness

Recognizing psychological violence is the first step toward healing. This step is often the most difficult because denial mechanisms are deeply ingrained. Cognitive strategies drawn from CBT can help:

• Keeping a journal: Objectively noting problematic behaviors
• Socratic questioning: "Would I accept a friend being treated this way?"
• Seeking external support: Validation from trusted loved ones

Professional resources and support

Specialized therapeutic support is essential to leaving these situations for good. The most effective approaches include:

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT):

• Cognitive restructuring to counter self-devaluing thoughts
• Graded exposure techniques to rebuild confidence
• Developing self-assertion skills

EMDR therapy:

• Processing trauma linked to psychological violence
• Reducing post-traumatic symptoms

The Psychologie et Sérénité practice offers specialized support for these issues, with an integrative approach adapted to each situation.

Immediate protection strategies

If you recognize yourself in these descriptions, here are strategies to protect yourself:

• Emotional safety plan: Identify the support people to contact
• Strengthening your social network: Maintain outside contacts despite the pressure
• Documentation: Keep written records of abusive behaviors
• Emergency numbers: 3919 (Violences Femmes Info, France), available 24/7

Prevention and rebuilding self-esteem

Psychological strengthening techniques

Rebuilding after a toxic relationship requires specific work on self-esteem. Scientifically validated techniques include:

Self-compassion (Kristin Neff):

• Treating yourself with kindness
• Recognizing the common humanity in suffering
• Mindfulness of emotions without judgment

Evidence-based positive affirmations:

• "I have survived difficult situations, which proves my resilience"
• "My loved ones appreciate me; their opinion matters more than criticism"
• "I have the right to respect in all my relationships"

Developing relational skills

Learning to identify healthy relationships becomes crucial to avoid repeating toxic patterns:

• Assertive communication: Clearly expressing your needs without aggression
• Setting boundaries: Defining what is acceptable or not
• Recognizing early signals: Vigilance toward the first signs of control

Take the Psy Test → — 60 questions, anonymous, PDF report (€2.99).

Conclusion

Psychological violence in relationships is a complex reality that affects thousands of people in France. Contrary to popular belief, it is not limited to particular profiles and can affect anyone, regardless of their level of education or social situation.

Self-assessment through scientifically validated tools is a fundamental step toward leaving denial behind and undertaking a process of change. The scales developed by Beck and Rosenberg, along with the DSM-5 criteria, offer objective reference points for assessing your situation.

If this article has helped you identify concerning elements in your relationship, do not hesitate to seek help. Psychological violence is never acceptable, and solutions exist. Professional support can help you regain self-confidence and build healthier relationships.

Do not wait for the situation to worsen: your well-being deserves all the attention it needs. Call 3919 for a first conversation if you are in France (elsewhere, a local domestic-violence helpline via findahelpline.com), or consult a professional specialized in supporting victims of intimate partner violence.

*The first names mentioned in this article have been changed to preserve anonymity.

---

Related articles

• Why your arguments are destroying your relationship (and how to repair them)
• What tormented Edgar Allan Poe (the psychology behind the genius)
• Basquiat: what his art reveals about him

FAQ

How accurate is this psychological violence test?

Identify psychological violence in your relationship with this self-assessment test. This assessment is based on clinically validated scales used in cognitive-behavioral practice. While it doesn't replace a professional diagnosis, it provides a reliable first indicator for orientation purposes.

What should I do if my score indicates a high level of difficulty?

A high score suggests that consultation with a CBT practitioner or clinical psychologist may be beneficial. CBT offers evidence-based protocols that have shown significant effectiveness for these types of difficulties in 8 to 16 sessions.

Is this test suitable for self-screening without professional guidance?

This questionnaire is designed for self-screening and psychoeducational purposes. It can help you understand your situation better, but interpretation should be done with awareness of its limitations. For clinical decisions, always consult a qualified mental health professional.