Narcissistic Abuse Test: spotting the cycle of control

This test covers alternation, affection, recognition, belittling, coercive control, isolation, checking, money, hypervigilance, having your perception questioned, blame reversal, empathy, speaking your mind, confidence and readiness to change. What the test asks, for example Alternation If they swing between moments of tenderness and phases of coldness or contempt. If you know in advance how they will react, because their mood towards you is predictable and consistent. Affection If their signs of affection feel conditional: given then taken away depending on whether you comply. If the way they see you stays steady and caring, whether they are pleased or upset. Recognition If they praise you in public but put you down as soon as you are alone together. If they acknowledge your efforts and successes with genuine warmth. Belittling If, after that phase, they started criticizing you, putting you down or comparing you unfavourably. If they are charming with other people but harsh or contemptuous with you in private. Coercive control If they control who you see, where you go or who you stay in touch with. If you feel free to see whoever you want without having to justify it to them. Isolation If you have gradually drifted away from your friends or family because of them. If they criticize your friends or family to discourage you from seeing them. Checking If they monitor your messages, your phone or your whereabouts. If you feel you have to account to them for how you spend your time. Money If they control the household money or your spending to the point of limiting your independence. If they take advantage of you (money, time, energy) without giving anything back. Hypervigilance If you feel like you are 'walking on eggshells' to avoid their reactions. If you feel relaxed and like yourself around them, without having to watch your every move. Having your perception questioned If they make you doubt your memory, your perception or your sanity. If they deny things you actually experienced ('that never happened'). Blame reversal If they twist situations to make you out to be the guilty one. If they cast themselves as the victim even though they were the one who caused the hurt. Empathy If they are indifferent to your suffering or play it down. If, when you are going through a hard time, they stay unavailable or make the situation about themselves. Speaking your mind If they give you the silent treatment (refusing to speak to you) to make you give in. If, when you voice disagreement, your exchanges stay respectful and each of you can defend their point of view. Confidence If you have lost confidence in yourself and in your own judgment. If you keep a good sense of self-worth and confidence in your abilities day to day. Readiness to change If this relationship with a narcissistic abuser has a real impact on your life. If you believe you are capable of rebuilding and getting better.